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life has been both hectic and slow, health declining as always but im seeing my primary care this tuesday to figure it out. starting with a spine treatment plan (havent had care for my spinal disorders since 2017), both to get an updated MRI + what to do until then. i was scared of continuing prescription pain meds as a teenager due to longterm effects (i was on a narcotic one bc everything not as strong i grew a tolerance to), so i quit them not long before graduating high school. tbh i wouldnt have graduated without pain meds, even tho its never 100% helped, or even more than 50% if im being generous. regardless, my doctor i have now that i moved says that the effects of longterm bodily stress from chronic pain are far worse than the longterm effects of strong pain medication. so i want to try again.
im really, really tired of being in horrible spine pain 24/7. its been over 15 years of this nonstop. and like, ive been severely dissociating for as long as i can remember (again, over 15 years), save for having 30 seconds of clarity when my bf visited me for the first time in 2024. i dont know what it felt like, but i wrote it down at the time. i could feel my arms, my heart beat, my blood flowing— i was present and alive. i have never felt that before and its unclear if i will ever again in life... However. im coping a lot better with all my significant trauma over time, so that shouldnt be as much of a cause to dissociate anymore. im safe where i am now. another observation is that elevated pain (aka more than my "normal" amount of pain) is a trigger for my psychotic episodes. much to consider!
what im saying is: if i can stop being in pain 24/7, have some kind of relief and ongoing treatment, i could stop dissociating. i could experience remission from psychosis / being schizoaffective. i mean, its just a theory i have that my bf and close friends agree with, but i want to have hope. its quite tiring to live with my spine constantly alerting for help via severe pain, not to mention hallucinating near constantly. i grow and i adapt to it, sure, but i truly do hate both experiences.
............anyways! been slow at drawing recently, but working on the couple of commissions i have. also planning on some merch designs due 5/30, esp since the special thing i was part of ended up not making it to be produced. i gotta have Some kind of merch to design lol.. my autism for merch making is merely limited by my physical health! either way, i have my plans written i just gotta finish comms first (:
artfight is in 3 months now, and while i dont normally prep new refs in advance, id like to finally sit down and make some for ocs that Dont have fullbody refs. that would be: Visp Verity (UTAU), Tabi (Technomagic, original), Imelda Sagun (The Lumen-Lit, original), and Sammie (Splatoon). idk if ill get them all done in time..? but ill try!! id also like to do updated refs for Solithe Fennessec, Hawk, and Lord Ethyron since theirs are from 2021 lol
also been planning a "base ref" for my sona, so that i can edit the outfit and such for different universes (: i am.... the selfship guy even tho im very shy talking about it haha
too much to draw with too little energy to sit up !! will have to sort priorities, with commissions at the top
my final message for this entry: me, my bf, and one roommate were chatting in the car, both of them telling me i should make a "chess yaoi zine".. which would be very fun, i do love chess and used to compete in tournaments.... have to start planning gijinkas in that case lol. our roommate said the queen could be a super feminine gay guy, and i was like WAAAAIT UR RIGHT...! tho traditionally we all know the queen is a trans woman.
...as a very young child, i would think about how i was told all pieces were men with the exception of the queen. "pawn become queen how..?" i swear if the genders were the other way around i would have come out wayyyy sooner than age 12 LMAO
im really, really tired of being in horrible spine pain 24/7. its been over 15 years of this nonstop. and like, ive been severely dissociating for as long as i can remember (again, over 15 years), save for having 30 seconds of clarity when my bf visited me for the first time in 2024. i dont know what it felt like, but i wrote it down at the time. i could feel my arms, my heart beat, my blood flowing— i was present and alive. i have never felt that before and its unclear if i will ever again in life... However. im coping a lot better with all my significant trauma over time, so that shouldnt be as much of a cause to dissociate anymore. im safe where i am now. another observation is that elevated pain (aka more than my "normal" amount of pain) is a trigger for my psychotic episodes. much to consider!
what im saying is: if i can stop being in pain 24/7, have some kind of relief and ongoing treatment, i could stop dissociating. i could experience remission from psychosis / being schizoaffective. i mean, its just a theory i have that my bf and close friends agree with, but i want to have hope. its quite tiring to live with my spine constantly alerting for help via severe pain, not to mention hallucinating near constantly. i grow and i adapt to it, sure, but i truly do hate both experiences.
............anyways! been slow at drawing recently, but working on the couple of commissions i have. also planning on some merch designs due 5/30, esp since the special thing i was part of ended up not making it to be produced. i gotta have Some kind of merch to design lol.. my autism for merch making is merely limited by my physical health! either way, i have my plans written i just gotta finish comms first (:
artfight is in 3 months now, and while i dont normally prep new refs in advance, id like to finally sit down and make some for ocs that Dont have fullbody refs. that would be: Visp Verity (UTAU), Tabi (Technomagic, original), Imelda Sagun (The Lumen-Lit, original), and Sammie (Splatoon). idk if ill get them all done in time..? but ill try!! id also like to do updated refs for Solithe Fennessec, Hawk, and Lord Ethyron since theirs are from 2021 lol
also been planning a "base ref" for my sona, so that i can edit the outfit and such for different universes (: i am.... the selfship guy even tho im very shy talking about it haha
too much to draw with too little energy to sit up !! will have to sort priorities, with commissions at the top
my final message for this entry: me, my bf, and one roommate were chatting in the car, both of them telling me i should make a "chess yaoi zine".. which would be very fun, i do love chess and used to compete in tournaments.... have to start planning gijinkas in that case lol. our roommate said the queen could be a super feminine gay guy, and i was like WAAAAIT UR RIGHT...! tho traditionally we all know the queen is a trans woman.
...as a very young child, i would think about how i was told all pieces were men with the exception of the queen. "pawn become queen how..?" i swear if the genders were the other way around i would have come out wayyyy sooner than age 12 LMAO
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no yea u get it then, it really gets in the way of daily life. its gotten worse for me over time, but thats to be expected without treatment + degenerative disorders and all.
ive never really felt hopeful about my spine before, but with pain meds + whatever additional treatment post-MRI, im hopeful that maybe i can improve and be able to do more again...!!
i hope ur mom is able to find some kind of relief soon too, shit sucks severely
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Thankfully she was eventually able to get on a pain medication. (After yeeears.) Which comes with its own set of problems here and there, but like you mentioned in your post; not as many if she were without them!
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i was likely born with my spinal disorders that werent diagnosed until i was 13, bc my pediatrician kept saying my chronic pain was "just growing pains" when i was in early elementary.. dire. But thats how long its been :o
my appointment went well today tho! referred to a chronic pain specialist who will handle the MRI + treatment + any surgery (tho surgery is unlikely, more likely to be longterm treatment on multiple fronts)
im glad the pain meds help her! side effects can suck but like with Any medication, gotta weigh pros and cons. pain meds will def be worth it for me i feel, once i get started on them! :D