reflections upon disability.. disabling me

[meganehaven]

this is negative i suppose, but i wanted to put my thoughts somewhere other than my daily journal, and fsr dreamwidth felt right

theres so much i always want to do, and im limited by being severely mentally and physically disabled. i wont go into all my medical stuff, but.. lately, aside from chronic pain and wound surgery, its been a combination of focus issues and.. i really hate to admit it, but lack of enjoyment. im not having as much fun with anything anymore. which has been an issue for years, sometimes getting better sometimes getting worse. its depression, i know, i mean i AM schizoaffective depressive type so it makes sense. i just wish i wasnt going numb to things i enjoy.

my cognitive issues have been worsening too, i honestly dont know what to do. my bf helps a lot, im very grateful for him. but i have so many worsening lapses in my memory.. sometimes im completely Not There / unresponsive and unmoving for anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour. and ill remember none of it meanwhile hes been doing everything to help me snap out of it. losing cognitive awareness is terrifying, and it reminds me of when my dads final couple of months with brain cancer. that shit does so much to you cognitively ):

i dont ever talk about being schizoaffective publicly tho, so lets keep that info here. i am getting tired of hiding it all my life. despite abuse ive faced for being psychotic. but i have a Much better support system now.

either way, all i really want to do is draw, write, play games, read... etc. but i struggle so much with it all and for what? i want to be better, dont get me wrong. i just wish all my efforts To get better worked, well, better i guess

Comments

[emeraldnebulae1]

I'm not entirely sure if its my place to comment or if you just wanted a space to vent, but... I just wanted to reach out and say that I hear you. I hope that things do get better and that you find some peace to anchor you in all these ups and downs. Struggling with chronic illness sucks and it hits harder on some days than others. People don't always realize how hard it is.

I do empathize by feeling like I can't do as much as i want either. I have an autoimmune disease and experience brain numbing chronic fatigue. I grew up with hallucinations that I had to hide for a long time, and have amnesia and dissociation too- likely from dealing with all of that. I definitely empathize with spotty memory and fear that comes along. Having people that can anchor you, or something to do/waiting for you when coming down from a moment of disconnection is like... really important to dealing with all that emotionally and feeling normal. We need somewhere to sit all the things we're carrying down sometimes. I'm glad to hear you're able to access better support and be more open about what you struggle with... I wish there weren't so many stereo types built up about people who experience these struggles, all we want is our own shot at happiness.

I hope you have more time able to be happy, to heal, to draw and do all the things you love! ;O;